glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
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Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second