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A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.