Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
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You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.