I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
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If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
Labreador
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.