Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
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Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.