Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
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she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now