I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
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If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
If you’re testing me, we failed.
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
In Canada they just call them geese
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors