Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
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You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time