Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
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I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
I bet
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
This sounds bad:
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
“Huge”.
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.