Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
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Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
idk flipping houses looks really hard
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
when someone compliments me
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
I am never leaving this website
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”