Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
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“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
how much does a mortician urn in a year
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.