Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
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NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?