Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
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His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
i prefer mine room temperature.
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.