I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
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My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”