Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
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Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
The human personality is made of five key elements
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
How animals would run if they were human
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
Today’s Times
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
Dead sexy!!
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy