I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
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My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
Greeting humans vs their dogs
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.