My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
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“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”