This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
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When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
…u ok Nintendo?
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
an airline just for babies.
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
titanic
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”