Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
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Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
Are these grass-fed oranges?
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*