Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
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Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.