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Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now