“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
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I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.