That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
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Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
I already tried new things thanks.
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
These are too funny not to post 😂
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL