Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
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You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
3% human
97% stress
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
How about daylight saves us for once
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.