*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
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[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
bad news gang
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.