when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
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My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
what
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!