You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
You Might Also Like
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
Dune (2021)
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
LMAO
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.