Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
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Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
*weighs self after shaving
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.