Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
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[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
Wednesday
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?