Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
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There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
#StillHurts
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.