UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
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In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
Breaking news:
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time