Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
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My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
can’t wait til they legalize outside
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….