Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
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If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast