In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
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Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly