Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
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Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?