One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
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wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
japanese corn
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.