At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
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Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.