Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
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I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
Me, flirting😏
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time