me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
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“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.