every college guy’s fridge
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my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners