Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
You Might Also Like
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
I only eat vegetarians.
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab