why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
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My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
Lol.
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”