[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
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When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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