[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
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judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
“i am a sweet baby”
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.