HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
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Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
this… may be the greatest story ever told
Yep.
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes