Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
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A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.