Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
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[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.