Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
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[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”