jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
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I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
How to make infinite energy.
A friend sent me this.