bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
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There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
Black Friday “markdowns” like
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
i wish we could shoplift online
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda